The term “good child syndrome” refers to both a person’s self-image and specific behavioral characteristics. For example, a “good child” doesn’t make noise or disturb adults but sits quietly and allows them to speak. They don’t complain, become upset, or talk back.
Anger and sadness are emotions a “good child” shouldn’t feel or express. If something or someone irritates them, they simply don’t show it—because it’s deemed inappropriate. A “good child” only needs to do their homework, go where their parents want them to go, and follow all the adults’ rules. They can’t say no or react in any way, as doing so might lead to negative consequences and penalties.
The general perception of “good” children is that they should be and act perfectly. Conversely, children who don’t meet their parents’ (or other adults’) behavioral expectations are often labeled as “bad” or “difficult.”
What makes a child “good”?
The “good child’s” behavior is based on the assumption that it’s determined by external factors rather than authentic self-expression. These external factors are people who accept or reject the child’s behavior based on their own criteria.
The problem for the “good child” is that they didn’t choose to be good. They simply had no other option and didn’t know what else to do or what was socially acceptable.
A “good child” doesn’t learn emotional and psychological independence or autonomy. They’re unaware of their own standards and limits of tolerance, instead accepting what’s given to them without comment or complaint.
Unconditional vs. Conditional Acceptance
Unconditional acceptance means, “I accept you for who you are and what you do, not because of what I expect you to do or give me.”
Accepting another person doesn’t imply absolving them of wrongdoing, forgiving them, or being blind to their faults. We accept others as they are, with their strengths and weaknesses, and what they can and cannot do. By accepting someone, we’re essentially assigning them value. We show them our admiration, gratitude, and love. We also acknowledge their freedom to be themselves—to be different from us and not act as we do.
Conditional acceptance, conversely, means accepting someone only if they meet our standards, fulfill our needs, and make us happy. They receive something in return only when they do something we deem acceptable.
Example
Consider a scenario where a child scores 13 out of 20 on a math test:
With unconditional acceptance, the parent acknowledges and praises their child’s efforts rather than criticizing them. They also discuss ways to help the child improve. Together, they identify potential obstacles to learning and strategies to overcome them.
With conditional acceptance, the parent is satisfied only if the child scores 18 or higher. In this state, the parent might yell at the child, punish them (verbally or physically), or make them feel worthless or incompetent.
The Good Child Within
In cases of conditional acceptance, as shown in the previous example, a child unconsciously develops a specific mindset. This way of thinking focuses not only on tasks and performance but also on the child’s overall behavior and attempts to conform to others’ expectations. The child learns that failing to meet others’ standards and wishes will result in consequences, including:
- Lack of appreciation, respect, or love from others
- Fear that others will grow weary of them
- Punishment (psychological, verbal, and physical)
- Verbal abuse, such as being called “useless” or “incompetent,” or told they’ll “never achieve anything in life”
- Unfavorable comparisons to others and belittlement of their abilities
- Negative feedback on their actions, expectations, and dreams
Ultimately, the child adopts a “good child” persona, striving to please others even when they don’t want to and regardless of their inner satisfaction. Consequently, the “good” child struggles to forge their own path, as abandoning this adopted persona triggers fear, anxiety, regret, and guilt.
Feelings Don’t Disappear Just Because You Ignore Them
Moreover, the good child becomes accustomed to suppressing emotions and struggles to manage them effectively. This leads to a lack of authenticity in their life and self-expression.
The good child also fails to learn how to navigate difficult situations without feeling torn between their flaws and their persona’s perceived perfection.
This person’s authenticity is compromised in pursuit of their primary goal: avoiding being labeled a “bad child.” Failure to meet this goal instills fear of rejection, abandonment, demotion, or punishment from others.
Denial and Avoidance of Experienced Emotions
Emotions don’t simply disappear, no matter how hard one tries to suppress them. Every experienced event is “recorded” in our psyche. Consequently, even if they don’t show it, the “good” child feels discomfort, anger, injustice, anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions. These emotions, in turn, shape brain connections, beliefs, and self-images.
Pretending not to feel these emotions or downplaying their importance doesn’t make them vanish; instead, it strengthens their hold on us. We might only be able to express these feelings in our imagination, but express them we must.
Inevitably, these feelings will find an outlet:
- Directed towards others or ourselves (in reality or imagination)
- Through artistic expression and creativity
Our experiences—big or small—in which we felt emotions and formed thoughts and behaviors aren’t forgotten. They simply retreat from our consciousness and function as unconscious routines or habits. These habits manifest in various ways:
- Feeling obligated to say yes when asked to do something you don’t want to do
- Being unaccustomed to expressing yourself or making suggestions, fearing criticism or “disastrous” consequences
The “Good Child” as a Teenager and Adult
As the “good” child enters adulthood with all its responsibilities, they often continue their pattern of always pleasing others and saying yes. This behavior tends to attract people who reinforce this pattern.
Consequently, their sense of self-worth and self-esteem becomes entirely dependent on others (family, friends, romantic partners) for acceptance, appreciation, and validation. Maintaining these relationships becomes crucial, as they’re the source of their self-worth. This leads to anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment if they express disagreement or assert their own needs.
Conclusion
A key aspect of the “good child” syndrome is the person’s unfamiliarity with the idea that in relationships, both parties can have different needs and preferences. This stems from their inability to distinguish between meeting their own needs and those of others. Just as we require acceptance, we must accept others for who they are, including what they can and cannot do or give.
Moreover, unconditional acceptance involves accepting the flaws or even the “dark” side of others and allowing them to experience negative emotions. The “affliction” of the good child is that they’ve been forbidden from being a “bad” child as well. The term “bad child” doesn’t refer to criminal behavior or a lack of empathy and compassion. Rather, it pertains to whether the child meets the standards, expectations, desires, and needs of their parents and those around them.
Πηγή 1ης δημοσίευσης: psychology.gr
