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Introduction

Marriage is often viewed as a lifelong commitment filled with joy, cooperation, and mutual growth. However, even relationships that begin with optimism and enthusiasm can face challenges that, if left unaddressed, may lead to divorce. Recognizing the early signs of a struggling marriage is crucial for taking steps to repair the relationship and avoid a painful separation.

In this article, we explore seven critical warning signs that may indicate a marriage is at risk. From constant conflicts to emotional distancing, understanding these indicators can help you navigate the complexities of marital challenges and work towards a healthier, happier relationship.

Renowned psychologist John Gottman, who has dedicated 40 years to couple therapy and research, claims he can predict with 91% accuracy the future success or failure of a relationship or marriage within just 15 minutes of observing a couple’s interaction.

Gottman also notes that relationships, especially marriages, often dissolve because partners fail to recognize the value of their relationship until it’s too late. Moreover, we tend to take our relationships for granted instead of giving them the attention, care, and respect they need and deserve.

1. Harsh Start-Up

The way a discussion or argument begins is the most crucial indicator of its outcome. In any relationship—romantic, marital, or professional—it’s not so much the content that causes difficulties and impedes progress in resolving disagreements, but how it’s expressed.

A harsh start-up often leads to negative consequences. The person who initiates in this manner immediately becomes negative and accusatory, employing sarcasm and cynicism, blaming the other person, and using words that carry negative power.

• Characteristics of a Harsh Start-Up:
  • We start with criticism.
  • We describe the other person instead of ourselves.
  • We accumulate other dissatisfactions.

1. We start with criticism

• Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character or personality. It doesn’t just focus on a specific behavior or action but strikes at the core of the person—how they think, feel, or function in daily life.
• Rather than simply expressing a complaint or pointing out an occasional problem, criticism emphasizes a personal flaw. It implies a deeper, inherent problem in the character of the person being criticized, rather than addressing an isolated incident or specific issue.

This type of statement directly attacks the person’s character, making them feel defensive and unappreciated. When someone feels attacked, they’re likely to react negatively or withdraw. Moreover, such statements can erode the trust and respect essential for healthy communication and relationships.

Example of criticism vs. complaint:

Criticism: “Why are you always so messy? Can’t you pick up your things even once?”

Complaint: “There are dirty clothes on the floor. Could you please pick them up before we go to bed?”

2. We describe the other person instead of ourselves:

• When upset, we often begin arguments by criticizing our partner’s behavior, claiming everything they do is wrong. This approach generalizes their actions rather than addressing specific issues, leading to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Such statements can provoke defensiveness and impede problem-solving, as the person may feel unfairly accused. It’s crucial to focus on specific actions and express our feelings in a way that fosters understanding and cooperation.
  • Using phrases like “always” and “never” implies permanent flaws in your partner’s personality, creating the impression of unchangeable negative traits.

Example of describing the other vs. describing ourselves:

Describing the other: “You always leave your clothes scattered all over the bedroom. You never think of anyone but yourself. Why can’t you just put your clothes in the laundry? It takes ten seconds!”

Describing ourselves: “It really stresses me out when the bedroom is messy. Could you try to remember to throw things in the laundry instead of elsewhere?”

3. Accumulation of other dissatisfactions:

We often accumulate complaints to feel “justified” in our anger, especially when the current issue seems “too small” to warrant our emotional intensity. This leads us to recall past grievances, attempting to give more weight to our argument and validate our feelings.

This approach overwhelms our partner with multiple complaints, making it difficult to address any single issue effectively. The accumulation creates a sense of powerlessness and gridlock, as each problem gets lost in a sea of grievances, without the opportunity for individual, meaningful resolution.

Example: “Not only did you forget our anniversary, but you never take out the trash and you always leave your clothes everywhere!”

2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

In his research, John Gottman identified four specific types of negative interactions within couples, coining the evocative term “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” He discovered that these forms of negativity, if left unchecked, can be incredibly destructive to relationships. These behaviors serve as warning signs, potentially foreshadowing the end of a relationship. However, recognizing and addressing these negative patterns can help couples foster a healthier and more enduring partnership. The four types of negativity that can undermine the very foundations of a relationship are:

1. Criticism: As mentioned earlier, criticism is closely linked to a harsh start-up. Unlike specific complaints, criticism targets the partner’s character or personality, expressing generalized negative feelings or opinions. This approach often triggers defensiveness and feelings of rejection, as the criticized person feels attacked and undervalued. When individuals feel under assault, they’re prone to react negatively or withdraw, further damaging communication and the relationship as a whole. Criticism can gradually erode the trust and respect vital for a healthy partnership. Rather than addressing specific issues and expressing feelings constructively, criticism tends to generalize and amplify negative traits. This creates a sense of helplessness and frustration, as individual problems become lost in a sea of complaints, leaving little room for meaningful resolution.
2. Contempt: Contempt expresses superiority and disrespect towards one’s partner through sarcasm, mockery, and hostile derision. This toxic behavior poisons the relationship, undermining mutual appreciation and respect. It communicates disgust, making problem-solving nearly impossible and often leading to more conflicts. Couples who display contempt are even more likely to suffer from physical illnesses and mental health issues. Fueled by long-standing negative thoughts, contempt is closely linked to other hostile behaviors like aggression. Its persistent presence erodes the relationship’s foundations, creating an environment devoid of appreciation and respect, leaving only negativity and disappointment.
3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived attacks, involving denial of responsibility and counter-attacks. Rather than solving issues, it intensifies them, creating a cycle of negativity. Research shows defensiveness rarely works as intended—the attacking spouse doesn’t back down or apologize. Instead, increased defensiveness often leads to more attacks. This occurs because defensiveness is essentially a way of blaming one’s partner and avoiding responsibility. It’s like saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” A common form is the “innocent victim” stance, often involving whining: “Why are you attacking me? What about all the good things I do? Nothing satisfies you!”
4. Stonewalling: This behavior typically emerges later in a marriage. In normal conversations, listeners provide feedback through eye contact, nodding, or verbal cues like “Yes” or “Mm-hmm.” However, someone who stonewalls withholds these responses. They might look away, down, or at their phone, remaining silent like an impassive stone wall. This indicates a complete lack of interest or engagement in the conversation. Stonewalling is a form of withdrawal from interaction, often triggered by intense emotional pressure. It can manifest as silence, avoidance of eye contact, or physically leaving the space. This behavior hinders conflict resolution and leads to emotional alienation between partners.

3. Flooding

Flooding is a defense mechanism that occurs during conflict, resulting from psychological and physical overload. It leads to an inability to process information, concentrate, or understand one’s partner, ultimately causing negative interactions. When your partner’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you stunned, you feel defenseless and try to avoid a recurrence. Common reactions include:

• The attack-defense dynamic: where the partner becomes an enemy,
• Shutting down and withdrawing: where the partner becomes a stranger.

The more frequently you feel flooded by your partner’s criticism or contempt, the warier you become of signs that your partner is about to “explode” again. Unfortunately, this often leads to emotional distancing as you try to protect yourself from pain and disappointment.

The situation deteriorates when signs of flooding become more frequent and intense. These signs include:

• Difficulty breathing
• Clenched teeth
• Tense or painful jaw
• Feeling hot
• Flushed face
• Feeling “punched in the stomach”
• Muscle tension
• Rapid heartbeat
• Nausea

At this stage, communication between partners is severely disrupted. Instead of collaboratively solving problems, partners may begin to avoid difficult discussions, believing that any attempt at communication is futile. This can result in a situation where partners live parallel lives, lacking meaningful interaction and experiencing profound loneliness.

4. Our Physiological Reactions

In addition to interviewing couples, John Gottman monitors their physiological responses during 15-minute sessions where couples discuss stress-inducing issues. These observations reveal how destructive emotional flooding can be to our physiology.

• A notable reaction is an increase in heart rate—often exceeding 100 beats per minute and potentially reaching 165. (For context, a typical resting heart rate ranges from 60 to 100 beats per minute.)
• Hormonal changes also occur, including:
  • Adrenaline secretion, triggering the “fight or flight” response
  • Elevated blood pressure

These dramatic changes are significant indicators. Gottman suggests that if one partner frequently experiences emotional flooding during marital discussions, divorce becomes predictable for two reasons:

1. It signals that at least one partner experiences severe emotional stress when confronting the other.
2. The physiological effects of flooding—rapid heartbeat, sweating, etc.—make productive, problem-solving discussions nearly impossible.

During an argument, your body activates a primitive alarm system inherited from our ancestors. These stress reactions occur because, at a fundamental level, your body perceives the situation as threatening. Remarkably, the human body reacts similarly whether facing a hungry tiger or a contemptuous spouse demanding to know why you’ve forgotten to pay a bill—again.

5. Failed Repair Attempts

The Four Horsemen and subsequent emotional flooding can gradually overwhelm a marriage, creating an environment of constant pressure and disappointment. Intriguingly, Gottman found that divorce can often be accurately predicted by listening to a single conversation between newlyweds.

Understanding a marriage’s dynamics hinges on monitoring the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts. These attempts—any statements or actions, serious or playful—aim to prevent the escalation of negativity and tension. Their success or failure serves as a crucial indicator of a marriage’s potential to thrive or fail. The effectiveness of these attempts often stems from the strength of the marital friendship and the spouses’ ability to communicate effectively and respectfully.

Successful repair attempts not only reduce emotional tension between spouses but also prevent flooding. In troubled marriages, a feedback loop forms between the Four Horsemen, failed repair attempts, and emotional flooding. As spouses become more contemptuous and defensive, emotional flooding intensifies, making it harder to recognize and respond to repair attempts. This cycle perpetuates itself: unnoticed repair attempts lead to increased contempt and defensiveness, resulting in more intense flooding. Eventually, one partner withdraws, leaving the marriage in a state of complete dissolution and emotional exhaustion.

6. Bad Memories

In many of the interviews Gottman conducted with couples, he often asks them about their marriage history. What he has repeatedly observed is that couples who have deeply rooted negative views about their partner and their marriage often “rewrite” their past. Most couples enter marriage with high hopes and expectations. In a happy marriage, couples tend to remember their early days with love and romance. When they talk about the difficult times they went through, they elevate the challenges they overcame together, drawing strength from the adversities they faced. They recognize the challenges they faced as shared obstacles that brought them closer and strengthened their relationship.

However, when a marriage isn’t going well, the story is rewritten for the worse. Partners begin to remember the early days of their marriage with disappointment and bitterness, focusing on failures and disappointments rather than successes and joys. Positive memories are overshadowed by negative emotions, and memories of good times fade. In this context, even happy moments from the past seem insignificant or even painful.

Moreover, when a marriage reaches a critical point, both partners may find the past difficult to remember accurately. The disappointment and unhappiness they experience in the present often affect their memory, making it difficult to recall the positive moments they once shared. This revision of their shared history is one of the most defining signs that the marriage is in crisis.

7. The Final Stage

When a marriage reaches the point where the couple has rewritten their history and their minds and bodies make communication and problem-solving nearly impossible, the relationship is almost doomed to fail. This indicates they’ve reached the final stage.

This stage is characterized by four significant changes that signal deep trouble in the relationship dynamics:

1. Viewing marital problems as severe: The couple begins to see their problems as insurmountable. Minor disagreements now appear as major, intractable obstacles. This leads to a sense of hopelessness and the belief that the relationship can’t be fixed. Partners feel overwhelmed and focus more on the negative aspects of their relationship.
2. Believing discussions are futile and attempting to solve problems alone: Communication breaks down significantly. Partners may believe that discussing problems is fruitless, often due to repeated failed attempts to communicate effectively. They withdraw and try to solve problems independently, further alienating each other. This lack of collaboration erodes cooperation and reinforces isolation.
3. Living parallel lives without meaningful interaction: The couple may share a home but live largely independent lives. Interactions become superficial, focused only on daily logistics. Emotional connection and meaningful communication are noticeably absent. Partners become increasingly distant, engaging in separate activities and gradually losing the sense of companionship vital for a healthy relationship. At this point, if it hasn’t already occurred, one or both partners may begin an extramarital affair.
4. Experiencing deep loneliness: The culmination of previous stages leads to profound loneliness for both partners. Despite physical proximity, they feel emotionally abandoned and unsupported. This deep loneliness underscores the emotional void in the relationship. Partners feel misunderstood, invisible, and disconnected, exacerbating feelings of sadness and despair. This stage often marks a critical point where the emotional pain becomes unbearable, prompting thoughts of separation or divorce as potential escapes from persistent loneliness.

Conclusion

Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that demands continuous effort, dedication, and communication from both partners. While challenges and difficulties are normal, early recognition and addressing of warning signs can prevent marital dissolution. Understanding these indicators and actively working to resolve them is crucial.

Strengthening communication, seeking shared activities to enhance connection, and jointly addressing problems are key strategies. It’s vital to remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding, support, and love. When partners collaborate to overcome difficulties, their relationship often emerges stronger and more resilient.

In cases where problems seem insurmountable, couple’s therapy can provide essential support and guidance. A specialized professional can help couples discover new problem-solving approaches and rekindle their sense of companionship and mutual support.

Ultimately, marriage is not merely a union of two people—it’s an ongoing commitment to mutual growth and well-being. Recognizing warning signs and actively addressing them can foster a healthier, happier relationship, potentially averting the painful outcome of divorce.

References

• Gottman, John Mordechai . The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the international bestselling relationship expert (p. 285). Orion. Kindle Edition.
• Gottman, John Schwartz; Gottman, Julie Schwartz. Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection (p. 43). Penguin Books Ltd. Kindle Edition.