I can’t remember anyone in my childhood — neither in the family nor at school — talking to me about the negative emotions. There is just one feeling that comes to mind: they are forbidden
Constantly denying or minimizing the importance of my emotions, feeling ashamed for experiencing them, or believing I was a burden by having them, became a persistent issue.
Yet, like any human being, I continued to feel emotions and as a coping mechanism, I learned to keep them unspoken, hiding them within.
But what’s buried inside doesn’t simply vanish!
The truth is, without metal music, I don’t know how I would have “survived” my internalized anger during adolescence. It became my refuge, where I could express my sadness, fear, anger, and other emotions by singing the songs’ lyrics aloud, hidden behind the art of music. This helped me to take it easy, gave me the strength to face daily life, and organized my thoughts.
The problem with anger is that, firstly, it remains unexpressed as its noise disturbs and repels others from listening to it.
We have not learned to tolerate either our own anger or that of others because quite simply:
- It would be forbidden as something bad and unacceptable and needs to be avoided
- We would feel guilty for expressing ourselves, worrying it might cause the other person to become sad, angry, or anxious.
- Or simply, we would have learned that in the end, we would feel more disappointment because we wouldn’t feel that the other person can or is trying to understand us
Furthermore, we don’t trust others to be there for us, to listen and understand us without criticism or judgment, and to allow us the time and freedom we need. Instead, we’ve learned to expect one or more of the responses listed above.
This inevitably creates a negative loop, as through our disappointment, bitterness, etc., we ourselves will neither want nor be able to give these gifts of presence and active listening to someone close to us.
Years later, through my private practice as a psychologist, I try to explain to people what these negative emotions are, why we experience them, that they are normal, and based on our evolution, they have enormous importance in our lives.
In regards to anger, I realized and trying to explain that it has two states:
- one state is being angry and acting in reaction based on it.
- The second state is actively taking action because you are listening to your anger.
I place the first state in a passive unconscious reaction, as everything is colored by anger. Logic and critical thinking become clouded. In the human system’s fight-or-flight response, we automatically and impulsively enter the fight state and interpret the world and people around us through the filter of anger.
In the first state, we try to protect ourselves, leaving no room for second thoughts, introspection, or vulnerability — instead, we become increasingly closed off to ourselves. Often, this can even distort our impression of others’ words and actions, and unfortunately, all of this can ultimately lead to aggression.
In the second state, anger, like all emotions, actually informs us and gives us an impression of a reality that either bothers, pressures, or makes us feel that we need to take responsibility for action. Here, anger gives us the necessary boost to stand on our own two feet, rely on our strengths, and defend ourselves (and our loved ones, of course).
In this state, anger prompts us to take initiative and act without passively waiting for an external savior. Here, we are not guided by our anger, nor do we become clouded within our thoughts; on the contrary, just before taking action by listening to our anger; sadness and grief might come to heal our wounds and lead us into a process of introspection.
So far, I’ve observed that people who struggle with anger have difficulties managing it, avoiding it, being afraid to be angry, or simply being unable to experience it.
However, the issue with anger management is not simply about relaxation exercises and breathing techniques — these are good, but for coping, not management.
Many times, what will advance the therapy is precisely this: for the individual to be able to feel trust and the freedom to express and reflect on their anger (and of course every negative emotion), without fearing that they will become an annoying burden, or that they will be negatively criticized, and instead, they will have someone besides them to listen and try to understand.
Anger needs to be expressed, released, and articulated through the dense, dark clouds of thoughts and memories. However, this process requires trust — trust that the other person will be there and listen.
Obviously, other people are not responsible for us… but this is the difference: I’m not talking about everyone, but about the few, specific individuals we have in our lives.
At the end of the day: being angry doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving; just as arguments don’t mean the end of a relationship. Conversely, consider how it would feel to be afraid of expressing ourselves to someone close to us because we’d worry that doing so might cause us to lose them from our lives!
