“No” is a tiny word, yet it sparks considerable discussion about its importance and evokes intense emotions. Many of us find it challenging to say no. What holds us back? What scares and stops us?
In situations where we’d like to say no, we often feel pressured and “obligated” to do things or be in situations we dislike or wouldn’t choose. This pressure stems from a sense of duty or expectation.
Moreover, we struggle to speak up and express opinions that may contradict others. Consequently, we often say yes to avoid conflict, even when it goes against our true wishes.
The Consequences of Being Unable to Say No
The difficulty in saying no and being decisive about it causes several problems, both on a personal level and in our interpersonal relationships.
On a personal level:
Every time we “fail” to:
- say no
- set our boundaries
- make our thoughts, feelings, and intentions clear
We direct all our strictness and self-criticism inward. Our self-image deteriorates, while our self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence suffer.
Constantly saying yes (even to please others) often leads us into situations or activities we dislike or find unfulfilling.
Moreover, we develop the belief that “this is just how we are”—that we’ll never assert ourselves or have the courage to express our opinion, even when it contradicts someone else’s view or that of a group.
On an interpersonal level:
This inability to say no creates difficulties in our relationships. Doing things we don’t want to do leads to internalized anger or disappointment towards others, which will eventually surface.
By not communicating our true feelings, polarization may develop. Others may become targets of our accumulated anger without understanding why. What was once a calm relationship may suddenly become tense.
Always saying yes also affects our expectations of others. We expect them to care for us and meet our needs just as we did for them. When this doesn’t happen—when others say no to us or set their own boundaries—we feel angry or disappointed, perceiving it as unfair treatment.
How Our Thinking Patterns and Beliefs Influence Our Ability to Say No
These challenges stem from certain beliefs we hold, even on a societal level, about what is good and acceptable behavior:
1) Fear of Conflict
This is the fear that if we confront others, it will lead to negative and unpleasant outcomes for us. Therefore, it’s better to avoid conflicts and be accommodating.
Often, we fear that if we refuse to do something for someone, there will be negative consequences.
Here, too, the way we think about ourselves and our self-image plays a crucial role, as well as our levels of self-esteem and self-confidence.
For example:
- We fear upsetting or angering the other person.
- We feel we lack the courage or strength to face a potential conflict.
- Or perhaps, despite initially trying to refuse, others may persist in changing our minds, and they succeed.
- We worry that the other person will develop a negative opinion or perception of us, or misunderstand our intentions.
- We fear that from that moment on, we will fall out of favor with others, who will remember our refusal.
- We worry about being labeled as difficult, boring, negative, etc.
- Emotional manipulation might occur (e.g., “What kind of friend are you?” or “You won’t do a favor for your own parent?”) or even statements like, “I helped you with this before; why won’t you help me now?”
- We fear that others will stop talking to us, stop spending time with us, or even that our partner might leave us.
2) Guilt
As we can see, the fear of saying no often comes hand-in-hand with the emotional burden, anxiety, and guilt that may arise if we don’t say yes.
In one way or another, we find ourselves stepping back from certain things to please others. If we don’t, as mentioned earlier, our fears and concerns will revolve around the potential consequences.
So, beyond fear and anxiety, we also have to deal with feeling bad about ourselves and bearing the weight of guilt. Guilt, in particular, can lead to self-doubt about whether it was right to “act this way” toward the other person.
- Of course, self-doubt, introspection, and reflection on our thoughts and behavior are more than appropriate.
However, in the case of guilt, we are not talking about healthy reflection but rather about doubting our feelings, desires, and whether we acted wisely. This can have a significant impact on our self-worth and self-esteem. A lack of these two qualities can trap us in a vicious cycle.
In other words, the more we lack self-esteem and self-worth, the more:
- We won’t say no,
- We won’t express our opinions,
- And we won’t set boundaries.
By not doing these things, our negative self-image is reinforced, along with feelings of anger, disappointment, and injustice towards others.
All of this stems from our need to secure affection, love, recognition, and acceptance from others, avoiding, through the use of guilt, the deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.
3) Lack of Trust in Our Relationships
We often choose to say yes instead of no when we don’t believe that others like, accept, and love us without us always being agreeable and pleasant. In other words, we don’t trust that others’ positive feelings, love, and acceptance for us are unconditional.
Instead, we assume that someone can only love us under certain conditions—specifically, based on how accommodating we are to their desires, wants, and needs, rather than for our personal qualities, desires, needs, and boundaries.
However, this traps us in a relationship devoid of authenticity, as we don’t give the other person a chance to truly know us.
4) Taking Responsibility
Given the discussions on self-image, self-esteem, etc., as well as the ability to express our opinions, suggestions, and views, we cannot omit the importance of taking responsibility for our actions.
By agreeing to what others want, we leave them with all the responsibility. Therefore, no matter what happens, we won’t be blamed for it. However, this means we don’t have an active role in our own lives.
In this way, we end up depending on others, needing their approval and acceptance. Otherwise, if we don’t have it, we fear they might stop liking us and providing the validation we need.
Unfortunately, people who struggle to say no may fall victim to exploitation by others and may be treated in ways that violate their boundaries.
Balance is Essential in Life
It’s important to note that, just as in all aspects of life, balance is essential here too. In certain situations, we need to recognize when it’s necessary to make compromises and be flexible.
There is a difference between saying no and being negative. Consistently saying no can lead to negative outcomes over time, both socially and personally.
For example:
Imagine someone’s friends invite them to engage in new and interesting activities—something they’ve never tried before, possibly outside their comfort zone. But this person refuses, either because they believe they won’t enjoy these activities or because they’re only interested in doing what they already like.
This behavior could lead to two outcomes over time:
- After a while, the friends may stop inviting this person because they’re used to hearing repeated refusals. Instead, they’ll start making plans without them.
- Of course, this doesn’t mean they stop caring about the person.
- The individual may begin to feel isolated. Additionally, they miss out on new stimuli, experiences, and interests. They remain within the confines of their comfort zone, sticking only to what they’re used to doing.
As we can see, this is why balance is necessary. In life, there are things that:
- We know we like,
- Conversely, we know we don’t like,
- We neither love nor hate but are neutral toward and can tolerate,
- And finally, things we’re unsure about, whether we’ll like them or not.
Naturally, we wouldn’t want to be in the situation of the person in the example, attending activities that don’t interest us just because our friends or relationships suggest them. The same could apply in reverse—our friends might not be interested in our suggestions.
From there, we need to be flexible with things that are neutral or less enjoyable (but important to others). It’s essential to know where our boundaries are, but not to the extent that everything becomes a hard limit. Additionally, we should cultivate the willingness and curiosity to try something new, even if we feel we won’t like it, are bored by the idea, or think it will be difficult.
How to Say No More Often in Life
Self-Awareness
It’s essential to know ourselves, our desires, and our needs. We must understand what we want and don’t want or what we like and dislike. Additionally, we need to be authentic both with ourselves and others. Each person is unique and different, with their own strengths and weaknesses. When we better understand, accept, and embrace ourselves, it becomes easier to express our truth.
Know and Set Your Boundaries
This goes hand in hand with self-awareness, as well as with the ability to recognize and express our emotions. We cannot know or set our boundaries if we don’t have a clear understanding of our foundation—ourselves, and what we know and feel about ourselves. From there, if others persist in asking for a yes, we can, or need to, do two things:
- Stick to our decision
- Communicate how we feel at that moment
Ask for Time
When someone asks us to do something, we often feel obliged to respond immediately, leading to the pressure to say yes. However, that moment may not always be the best time to make a quick decision. We can ask for time to think it over.
Make a Counterproposal
If we don’t want to outright refuse and say a firm no, we can modify the request to better suit us.
For example, sometimes people ask for favors that we would like to help with, but we feel we either cannot do it or don’t have the time. When time is an issue, we can propose how much time we can actually offer. Alternatively, we can suggest someone else who might be better suited to help. Or, we can provide an idea or make another suggestion that could help our friends.
Acceptance of Self and Others
Acceptance is easily spoken of but difficult to practice, and often its meaning is misunderstood. Acceptance is not about making excuses for ourselves or others to forgive them. Nor does accepting something necessarily mean agreeing with it.
Acceptance means understanding and embracing the differences and behaviors of others. It also involves recognizing that these behaviors or ways of thinking may not always align with our own standards and expectations. We must acknowledge our differences and accept that there will be times when others say no to us or when we disagree.
Ultimately, that’s okay. We can still love these people and want them in our lives. Through acceptance, we learn to coexist harmoniously despite our differences.
Naturally, this principle applies to both ourselves and others. There are people—present or future—who genuinely love us and desire to be part of our lives, just as we wish to be part of theirs. This isn’t because they need us or find us convenient when we always agree. Rather, it’s because they accept us for who we are, even during our less pleasant or unhappy moments. They embrace and love us wholly, including our flaws and darker aspects.
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